Apparently, the White House, the actual building, has gotten over its depression that was a result of the midterm elections, and is on the ball again. This time, it has forwarded to me a rough draft of the speech Mr. Obama will give tomorrow night. And here it is:
Gaddaffi Has Got To Go! Except, then again, maybe he doesn't, it just depends really...
Recently, I displayed my awesome leadership capabilities by deciding to bomb the holy heck out of certain carefully selected targets in Libya. This decision came with UN approval. Everybody knows that if you have UN approval, that you then can leave Congress, especially that portion of it that loves to drink tea, entirely out of the process. This is only one benefit of the United States now being nothing more than just another country in the community of nations.
Some people are wanting me to explain exactly what our role in Libya is. I have waited all this time to speak to you, the American people, because I needed to find out for myself just what we are doing there. Just because I order military action, that doesn't mean that I know WHY I ordered such action. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, you know. See what I'm sayin'?
I know that I stated the goal was to remove Gaddafi from power. I have backtracked from this stance a little. That is to say and, just to be clear, a lot. Because if we were to remove Gaddafi from power, then I would have to commit ground troops and I just can't do that AND ensure that all our troops get the gay sensitivity training that they so desperately need and deserve. The grade Z movie director Ed Wood Jr., while not being technically gay I don't believe, was a cross dresser who wore women's lingerie under his Marine uniform. Had he been discovered doing this, he would have been beaten up and mocked. We do not want this to happen in today's soon-to-be-enlightened military.
So I now say that it is up to the Libyan people to liberate themselves from Gaddafi's murderous rule. They should do this by throwing sticks and rocks at the leader whenever the opportunity arises because I can't afford further offending my fellow liberals by supplying the rebels with arms. Meanwhile, we will continue the no fly zone, so that these protestors will not be killed by bombs from the air. They clearly have enough problems dealing with bullets from the ground, about which I will do nothing.
Therefore, I will continue with my impressive strategy of coasting along with the REAL 'coalition of the willing' which even includes some anonymous Arab partners! This is not the 'coalition of the coerced' like we used to have when a particular pachyderm who shall remain unnamed for once occupied my office. Anyway, the great economic sanctions I have posed will ensure that Gaddafi is gone soon enough. Soon enough for me personally, anyway, probably not for those who have already been or soon will be killed by his forces.
Unlike certain other people, I don't go into war with Muslim nations all willy-nilly and full of bravado. I approach war with much caution, and, yes, you might even say extreme timidity. So timid that I can't even ask Congress' approval. This way, if our effort ends up losing, nobody can reasonably blame the United States, although we all know they will anyway.
It is my belief that Libya will soon be a democracy just like Egypt is now due to my heroic actions and efforts, especially my decisive action of launching into a war from Brazil. Just add this to my already impressive list of presidential accomplishments.
MSNBC and CNN, I am counting on YOU to report this speech as the work of brilliance it is. Together, you get almost as many viewers as that bad news channel, so it will be an uphill fight, but I expect you to emerge as I always emerge. Which, just to be clear, would be triumphant.